So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize