On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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