i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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