someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
