I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize