I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
