WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
