Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
