I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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