I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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