Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
