just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
