I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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