there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
