The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize