Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
