I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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