Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
