fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
