So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
