I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
