i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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