I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
