I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
