Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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