Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
