im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
