I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
