Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
