Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
