Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
