There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize