He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
