24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
