You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
