apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
