I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
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