John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
