In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my being single is dangerous.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize