I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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