yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize