I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
