It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
