I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
