It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
