i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
