You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
