she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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