So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Damn victory sex feels great
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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