Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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