I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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