Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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