Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
