a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Randomize
