Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
