Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
