Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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